Chicago Tribune Column: Joe Biden is the worst president in history and he’s turning my dog into a socialist

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https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-biden-executive-orders-fox-news-racist-socialist-huppke-20210122-3i4jrasksjaubmcqk55bej7pla-story.html

 

 

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Column: Joe Biden is the worst president in history and he’s turning my dog into a socialist

By Rex Huppke

Chicago Tribune |

Jan 22, 2021 at 5:00 AM

 

Joe Biden is doing a terrible job as president.

 

My name is Jingo Patrioticson, host of Fox News’ nightly program “Patrioticson’s Patriots.” I love America more than anyone. Think I’m lying? SAY IT TO MY FACE, LIB!!

 

I always want what’s best for my country, and I support all our elected leaders 100%, as long as they support everything I believe in and do exactly what I want them to do.

Now I believe I’ve given President Biden a fair shake. I gave him from his inauguration on Wednesday until now to show me something, and I can confidently say his presidency has been a complete failure. What does he expect from Patrioticson’s Patriots, a full week to prove himself? THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS IN OUR COUNTRY, BUB!

 

For example, on his first day in office, Biden stomped into the Oval Office and signed a piece of paper putting America back in the World Health Organization. Well guess what, I don’t want to be in the WHO, and Biden’s unwillingness to respect what I want is offensive to me and all Americans who enjoy being suspicious of the WHO without taking the time to understand what it does.

 

Besides, I don’t trust any group that calls itself an “organization” or has the word “world” in its name. This is America, not “the world.”

 

As expected, Biden is just another radical leftist who thinks winning an election gives him the right to do things. When Donald Trump won the election, HE had the right to do things. That’s because WE THE PEOPLE had spoken. Elections have consequences, snowflakes.

 

But this time around, WE THE PEOPLE did not speak. It was YOU THE OTHER PEOPLE, and that doesn’t count.

 

Biden doesn’t seem to get that it’s different when a Republican is president. READ THE CONSTITUTION, LIBERALS, I’VE GOT ONE RIGHT HERE IN MY POCKET THAT I DON’T NEED TO READ BECAUSE IT ABSORBS DIRECTLY INTO MY HEART!!

 

On top of doing things I don’t want him to do, Biden has also managed to decimate the country since Wednesday. I mean, there are literally thousands of Americans dying from a virus that’s spreading uncontrolled. If you watched my show on Fox News, you didn’t see that happening before Biden took office, did you? No, this is a totally new development, and the Biden administration is doing a terrible job handling the pandemic.

 

And don’t get me going on the national debt. Since Biden took office, I noticed the national debt is nearly $28 trillion. What’s worse is it surged by nearly $7.8 trillion over the past four years! Do you know what else was happening over the past four years? Biden was either thinking about running for president or running for president. You think that’s a coincidence? THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES, SHEEPLE!!!

 

Between complete mismanagement of the economy and the pandemic (which just started on Inauguration Day), it’s clear Biden is a failed president and should be impeached. I’ve seen problems popping up everywhere in the not-yet-a-week he has been in office.

 

Yesterday I caught one of my kids wearing a coronavirus mask and staying 6 feet away from friends, like some kind of liberal weirdo.

 

I also think I spotted a taco truck on a corner near my house — it was either that or an antifa troop-transfer vehicle.

 

The dog has started acting kind of socialist-y and my guns are scared.

 

But the worst thing is it’s already impossible to say, “Merry Christmas.” I tried it yesterday and it just came out something like, “Mrrrrrrrr Marxistmas.” It’s sickening what Biden has done to this country.

 

On top of all this, I felt personally attacked during his inauguration speech when Biden said “racism, nativism, fear and demonization have long torn us apart.”

 

I’m not racist, but he was clearly talking about me and all of Patrioticson’s Patriots, because even though we are in no way racist, he was talking about racists, and that was for sure directed at us, even though we aren’t them, but we still know what he meant.

 

NICE TRY, BIDEN! What happened to “unity”?

 

How are you going to unify the country when you talk about white supremacy and people like me and my viewers know you’re talking about us even though we aren’t white supremacists but we still assume that when you say “white supremacists” you’re talking about us because we believe in America and in getting angry at being called something we definitely are not.

 

What a disaster this guy is.

 

Me and the patriots who trust me because I speak angrily on television don’t ask for much. Just that you, President Biden, do everything we want and do nothing we don’t want.

 

If you would meet us halfway, and then walk all the way over to our side and meet us there, everything would be fine.

 

But that’s clearly not going to happen.

 

And if we can’t have everything exactly the way we want it, you can count Patrioticson’s Patriots out.

 

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

 

he nailed it.

 

 

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I like how satire and the onion aren’t just reality now.  

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